Hi Kids, I know this is really last minute, but I have three extra tickets to tonights Boat cruise @ 8pm since my roomies & I decided not to go.

If anyone is interested in buying them, you can email me your contact info & I'll get right back to you- lah290@nyu.edu

Larissa

At this moment I feel as though I want every inch of my body to escape its skin and fly. There is a strange uneasiness that resides in my stomach and I’m unsure of the cause or the cure. I am finished with the semester and I should be happy, I should be content with all that I have done in a short period of time…and yet. Here I am. Waiting. For something. For anything I suppose. As much as I tell myself that I do not hate my life, there is a gap between the present time and my mind. I do not feel as though I am here. Life is strange, with fleeting moments of happiness aka disillusionment or perhaps happiness is simply ignoring everything that is wrong with the world and the longer one can keep it up, the better I say. So, doesn’t that mean that ignorance is bliss? Or is it no longer ignorance if it is chosen?

Why is it that nyc is the only place I have ever seen where schools look like prisons. And so many men call a bench a bed. And nighttime unleashes the possibility for strangers to interact when at any other time they would never really see you, too involved with their own busy schedule, their own life clenching tightly to the only reality they have known, that they are better than you. Not that they really stopped to care in the first place. And rats scurry by, so engrained in our brains tha they are scum, scavengers and the seed of disease, running from trash can to gutter looking for something to live by. But are they that much different from us?
Although we have the ability to build bridges and burn them too. And as I take a pull from that delicious smoke in a fetal attempt to forget. My chest tightens and I struggle for breath. I realize; why should I strive to shut my mind against everything thats a bit dirty in this world. Why whould you avoid eye contact of the boy asking for money or for food on the L?
I have feet and instead of being infused to the graound they have the unique power to propell me forward. I have a voice that I can scream with on rooftops to nobody in particular. I have a heart that I can wrap around yours to pull you up to your feet so we can walk through together. I do not have to sit, twirling my thumbs in circles around the negativity, but instead use these hands to reach to you. And maybe you will see that life is funny and doesn't make sense, and makes you want to pull your hair out of your skull. But we're here and until we die this is what we have. So deal with it and make life worth living, no only for yourself but for those kids in school with bars across the windows, the guy sleeping in the rain on a door stoop, your lover, your friend, a stranger on the street, your mother, your brother. everyone has to help everyone else struggle through life because alone, you'll never survive. make sure nobody is alone.

bitches and hos, i can't sleep. and i stressed myself out for no reason whatsoever. cock. i don't even feel like writing in this write now, but i'm going to post it anyway because it has no point.

it feels so good to be back in the city. driving down the hudson on the way to school and seeing the people running and riding, i realized how much i belong here and how right it feels to be back. although being away from home makes me miss dublin so much, its strange...i suppose its because i became accustomed to the streets of dublin and it became my second home. and i was used to returning home for the summer and so i guess i had expected to go back to dublin. its a strange feeling of belonging somewhere and expecting to be somewhere else at the same time. and for some reason i had associated all the NYU kids in dublin to new york so its strange to not have them here. god but the city feels good. the rooftops, the traffic, the noise, the smells, the people, the feeling. i can't go back home after i graduate. it can not happen. oh where oh where shall i end up? the future is an open book awaiting eyes and a mind. the options are endless and i can do anything. so what will i do? as long as its something i will be happy.

i went to a career fair today and i really want this job working at a center that treats people and families of people with boderline personality disorder. i think its facinating. she teaches a course to people about bpd and how to cope and understand what they are going through. its something that i wouldn't mind doing once i graduate. i wouldn't mind doing research as long as i'm doing rehabilitation as well and helping people. i don't like research at universities, i worked with two very distinguished colleges and how they ran research just didn't sit well with me and i feel like nothing was really happening. i don't know. i need to look a person in the face and know that i am easing them in life somehow. then i would be happy.

I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. You've become ingrained in who I am, and although I can continue to live without you and I can be happy, you make life better. Just sitting on your balcony knowing that you sit beside me, or will be momentarily, I am so content just to be in your presence. But I have soaked you up, drank you down, absorbed you into my being. you have healed me, comforted me, loved me. you have changed who i am and who i will be. And although I miss sleeping beside you, I do not feel hollow, I don't feel empty because you have become a part of me, I am full. Even if I never see you again, you'll never really be gone. you and i are so woven that it would be impossible to separate you from my memories and my future. So do your thing and I will do the same, for I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel the urge to cry every time I'm not distracted by something or another. But my mind won't let me figure out the reason, so I have no idea. And my eyes won't let the tears that are begging to fall, slide down. So what other choice do I have but to continue to keep myself busy and surrounded by something other then my own thoughts.

i swear i can't do this anymore, what kind of university has their finals exams run for over a month? its ridiculous. these last three are going to be the worst. since i just don't give a damn anymore. i want it to be over. i'm ready to be home. i'm going to miss dublin. but i need my rock. i was explaining to this guy i met in london how my friends back home are my rock. ugh. went to an excellent korean restaurant with my flatmates & hannah tonight, it was sooooo fuckin good. kim, my flatmate is going on holiday tomorrow and won't be back till after i'm gone so tonight was a goodbye dinner and i'm going to go out tonight with her and dance dance. she's going to spain and then germany to see the world cup! =) kaspar would be jelous.

so in a state of insomnia last night i booked a ticket to london for wednesday. and off we go.

me and the anterior cingulate...yea, we're not friends.

so, i looked at past exams of the subject i have an exams on monday, yea, i have no idea how to answer any of the questions...but instead of studying harder what am i going to do? go see the davinci code.

i hate wanting something but asking for it would completely ruin the point of wanting it in the first place.

you know those little moments where you feel life tugging at you to start living it? i feel its pull now, i shouldn't say its the first time. no regrets. although i must say i've had my share of momentary lapses of character. but we're young and we'll learn and grow. life should be lived in reverse. although our previous knowledge would be of no help since ultimately we tread on new ground.

think back to your childhood. what are the first vivid memories that come to mind? i don't mean your first memory as a human being, but the thoughts that come swimming back to you first. are they typically good memories? or times when you were scolded by someone you respect and the bad times? i think i had a pretty good childhood, but the thoughts that i always remember first are the ones when i was getting into trouble. which got me thinking as to why these times are encoded more deeply then the good times. and i think i've come up with a theory as to why they made such an impact. the amygdala is an area of the brain which is involved with emotion, mostly fear and is linked to the hippocampus which creates semantic codes for memories. so the times in which i was frightened were encoded more deeply because the amygdala was probably highly activated, thus making a deeper impression in my mind and created stronger connections.
on another note. does there have to be an afterlife? and why do so many people refuse to believe that there is nothing after death? i think that death is just another cycle to life and something to accept instead of being afraid of it. generally, we don't consider a bird to have an afterlife, it dies, decomposes and insects feed off of it and plants use the nurtured soil to produce. human beings are just animals. i think when we began to bury our dead we realized the limitations of life, began to fear death and embrace the short life we have here. it was also most likely, a way to break the bond between fellow human beings. we became attached to one another, death is always harder on those who have to remain on earth without loved ones who have passed on. i don't think that life would really be life without an end.

and on a much brighter note- HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS AND BRIAN!!!!!!!!

its strange to think of moving somewhere, but knowing beforehand that its only temporarly. but then, i suppose thats what college is all about, calling various locations home. although i always think of hamden when i say home, except when saying lets go home. i'm babbling, don't really care if this makes coherent sense. i'm listening to peter and the wolf. it makes me happy, brings me back to my childhood as much as gummi bears or carebears do. i've discovered music that i wouldn't have back home...or maybe i would have, who knows, like kaiser chiefs, la petite jacqueline, katie melua, i would walk 500 miles! ah, songs of drunken nights.
on another note, i discovered what nirvana really means today, never knew that it had anything to do with buddhism, but its the term of eliminating suffering from your life. i also found out that new york has 8.1 million inhabitants, dublin has around 500,000 and hamden has around 50,000. i found that funny for no reason whatsoever except that i'm weird. and dublin is small. and hamden is bigger then i thought....what else did i find out today...hm.
well, besides reminding myself of psychology stuff which nobody is interested in except for me, like what the hell the frontal and the parietal lobes really do...there was something else i wanted to say...did you know that non-religion is the top third religion in the world after christianity (2.1 billion) and islamic (1.3 billion), with 1.1 billion people. i guess science, philosophy and logic has had an effect. i always admired those who could believe in god or a higher power because i could never allow myself to have unguarded faith. but i couldn't change, mostly because i don't want to.
i think it would be easier to believe instead of knowing that i'm alone and i am responsible for who i am and what i do. i could never believe in fate or the philosophy (by i don't know who) that every single action you make creates a series of events and molds you to the person you are so you don't really actually make any choices. if you understand that, i've explained it correctly. i'm done. send me your thoughts or a fact of the world. by the way, thanks henry for introducing me to wikipedia (which is positively fantastic and has everything and anything you can possibly imagine in it) without even realizing you had, because i was bored and saw it on your facebook profile...but thanks anyway. muwah.

so, i was finally able to register and i got all the classes i wanted and i don't have class on friday or anything before 11 (only T/Th, M/W i start at 12:30) which is excellent for me. i need to start studying for exams, i have no motivation, i finish on the tenth though, which gives me some time to travel before coming home. excellent. this was in the school newspaper earlier this week, thought i would share these ten facts:
1. a rat can last longer without water than a camel
2. the worlds youngest parents were 8 & 9 and lived in china in 1910!!!!
3. if you have a new pencil, you can draw a 50km long straight line
4. some large clouds store enough water for 500,000 showers
5. dueling in paraguay is legal as long as both parties are registered blood donors
6. a chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body
7. half of all americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace
8. each suit in a card deck represents a king in history: spades- king david, hearts-charlemagne, clubs-alexander the great, diamonds-julius ceasar
9. leonardo da vinci invented the scissors
10. winston churchill was born in a ladies room during (something, i ripped the paper)

mmmk. so my sleep schedule is so fucked up. like, i can't fall asleep till around five in the morning and then i wake up at 3 in the afternoon, even if i set my alarm. i've missed so much class. and i need advice. i need to stop that, i tried sleeping pills and i fell asleep earlier but still woke up at 3. i guess i'm not going to sleep tonight and see how that works for me. i've gone to one class since i've been back. dnaiorthrwlgnre. what can i do?

paris ah paris, so gorgeous. let's start from the beginning, this is mostly for my poor memory, so i hope i don't bore you. but if that happens, you don't have to read it. ah the beauty of literature.
so, tuesday 21st, after spending the entire night awake, chatting online to various people i haven't spoken to in way too long i meet my friend justin in front of school at 4:30. he's just coming out of the computer lab, where he spent pretty much the past two days not sleeping but writing his papers. a better man then i am, i still have to write two, but instead i'm updating lj. so he's like, i'm just going to grab my bags, be right back.
so i sit on the steps of the national bank of ireland and begin reading while i wait for him. all of a sudden this drunken fool tries to grab the book away from me. hey! i yelled at him, he comes a foot in front of my face and is like hey? hey? his two friends hold him back and ask if i'm alright and if i'm homeless since i'm sitting on the street with my bags at nearly five in the morning. i tell them i'm off to paris. one of the men, a real gentleman starts talking about the louvre because he was there a few weeks ago with his girlfriend and how they don't have any english or any other language but french in the entire museum (which isn't really true) and while he's talking the drunk guy who tried to grab my book, grabbed my bag and tried to make off with it, but his friends stopped him. and the gentleman knew it was time for them to move on, so he kisses me on the cheek, and i'm like, now the other one. his friend asks if i want to go home with him and the gentleman wishes me a bon voyage. Justin calls a few minutes later and i meet him at the bus stop. we wait. and wait. and two buses pass us right by. and then a taxi pulls up and says he's on his way to the airport if we want a lift, it'll only be five euros each, even cheaper then the bus. all of a sudden a taxi driver who was parked across the way crosses the street and begins to scream his head off, saying that that's not right, what the hell are you doing, you're stealing the business of the bus (and himself as well). he was pissed, he looked like he wanted to take our bags from the trunk and throw them onto the street. i get in the taxi and he opens my door and starts yelling again and our driver just drives off and my door is slammed shut. i lean back in my seat with the thought of what an amazing start this trip is off to, i'm so excited and i hope that the craziness that just happened will follow us to paris.
The flight took off without a problem except for the unusually crowded airport and limited time, and Justin looking like he's about to sleep while standing and continuosly leaving his passport with whoever asks to see it, we still get to the gate in time. the flight was fine, i doze and was highly entertained when the woman sitting next to Justin had to wake him to go to the bathroom. it took maybe twenty minutes.
we land, and are waiting in line to get our bags when this man comes up to us speaking french very quickly. i stare at him with a blank look and he switches to english. where are you trying to go? surprised, i stammer, customs? baggage? he's like, its that way, points and walks away. justin and i look confused at eachother and then go in that direction. but he had pointed us in the right direction and we pick up our bags. the airport is HUGE. its amazing. and then we're off to find our hostel, the three ducks. i have directions and we find the bus that will take us to Opera station. we find the bus after asking someone and buy tickets. and these people come up to me asking how to buy tickets and where it goes, since i guess they heard that i spoke english to justin. but i have no idea what the hell i'm doing, but i'm like, yeah, sure. anwoewnrto. so we make it to the opera house, which is gorgeous and from there, we have no idea where to go. we ask three people and finally the last woman just walked us to the underground which was across the street. haha. from there it was no problem finding the hostel. except we got there at 12:15 and the rooms didn't open untill 4. justin is miserable because he just wanted to pass out. we leave our bags in the luggage room and go wandering. we manage to get some sandwiches, which were excellent, even though mine was tuna fish and i hate tuna, i was starving. i see a golden dome in the distance and we decide to walk towards it and see what the hell it is. when we get there, it was the Isoldes, absolutely gorgeous. i decide to go in the museum and see napoleon's tomb, even though justin looks like he's about to pass out any second, which he does in the museum, he just sits down and sleeps for a few minutes while i walk around. the tomb was SO gorgeous.
afterwards we head back to the hostel where justin passes out and i talk to a few people at the bar and then go off to explore the area around the hostel. after a few hours i decide to go back to the hostel and wake justin since he had only wanted to sleep for an hour or two. trying to wake him was impossible and he says to give him another hour. i go to the bar and start talking to simon and order a drink. and then another. and then another. i really have no clue how many i had, because after that first drink, simon paid for the rest. i met this french guy and we start talking. i go to pee, the bathroom is outside (kind of like an outhouse, with a sink, but no soap, real class) and when i come out the french guy is smoking outside, and we start talking and all of a sudden he just leans over and kisses me. he's really not bad. or maybe it was the drinks talking. dunno. i don't think so. but i'm like, lets go back inside yeah? OK. so after a few more drinks, we decide to go to the eiffel tower to see it all lit up. i think its a brilliant idea. i try to wake up justin, which didn't happen. and simon disappeared so it was just the french guy and me, and i keep referring to him as the french guy because i have no idea what his name is. perhaps jacques? i think it began with a j. haha. dunno. we start going the right way and then he's like, oh! i have to swing by my apartment to get my phone or something like that. i try to tell him he doesn't need it and come on, let's go, but he's insistent. and so we walk to his place, and when we get there, he tries to convince me to come up, but i have enough common sence, drunk as i am, not to trust him and to wait downstairs for him. he comes down a few minutes later and we walk to the tower. which is amazing. its so big. it blew my mind, it was gorgeous. we laid on the grass to look up on it, and were yelled at by a police man, thank god he's french because i hadn't a clue what he had said. so we walk underneath it, and i grab his arms, and we twirl, because thats what i felt like doing at that moment even though the company was a poor subsitute. and as we were walking away towards the military school, he tells me to turn around, the tower was sparkling. it was breath taking. and took me completely by surprise. and he rests his head on my shoulder and all i want to do is dance. but not with him. not with this stranger who doesn't know his boundaries. and i missed rob so much it hurt to the core. i swallowed, turned and began to walk away. all the way home the french guy was saying things like "you're in paris, you should live it up, i'm french, who knows when you'll get another opportunity to sleep with a french man, and it would be wonderful." and i told him the truth, which i generally don't do in that sort of situation, i said to him, that his plan to seduce me failed completely because it reminded me of someone back home. and i miss him a lot. besides, your girlfriend wouldn't approve." so maybe it was a half truth, since i didn't tell him that i would have never slept with him on the first night that i met him, regardless of the situation since it takes time for me to trust and i like that feeling of wanting so badly that i feel i'm going to burst. i like the chase as much as getting what i want. i like the seduction to take time and develop until i find that i can't stop thinking about that person when he's not around.
but anyway, he walks me back to my hostel, which i am so lucky about, since he could have been a real crazy and taken me elsewhere to rape me, but he was a gentleman and brought me home, and i even said that to him, to which he said that he would never take me if i didn't want. but he followed me to the hostel bar. and i go to the bathroom and he's outside waiting for me, and so i just walk right past him into my bedroom and pass out.
the next morning, i still wake up before justin. he goes to get some brie and baguettes for lunch/breakfast and i go buy some shoes since my feet were killing me from walking around in those boots all day/night. i find some pretty quickly since i had seen shoes i wanted while wandering the day before. so i get back to the hostel before justin and i start talking with simon who was in the bar. and then justin comes and we eat. and then simon decides to show us around. we go to see the moulin rouge and around that area, which is like the sex street in hamburg. and then we were in montmatre, which reminded me a little of canal street, with all the cheap vendors trying to sell things on the side of the street. we reach sacre coeur, which was abosolutely gorgeous. wow. the view from the top was excellent too, although it was rainy and we couldn't really see much through the fog. i take the elevator up the stairs since my feet are killing me. the new shoes are digging into my heels and i'm limping from the pain from yesterday as well as from today. but the church was worth the walk, it was gorgeous. on the way down, we meet these guys and one of them stop justin and was like, let me show you something, and starts making a braclette. another guy says let me see your finger to me and he does the same thing. some of their friends get into a fight behind us, punching, kicking and everything. haha. then, as i expected the guy holds out his hand asking for money and i just look at my coin bag and give him four euros even though he asked for five. he escorts us around the fight and we head to a cafe/bar acros the street where i found out that my friend justin paid ten for his braclette. hahaha. he got ripped off, he was so pissed off. we stood at the bar, justin knocks over my espresso, which the bartender graciously gave me a new one.
then we are off to the arch de triomphe, the round about was so busy, and simon and justin wanted to run acros it, the crazy fools. i said, go ahead, and die, i'm going to find another way across. which we did find, the arch was impressive. and afterwards justin and i walk down the challes ellyse (sp?) to the louvre, but it was already late and we decided that it wouldn't be enough time to spend there. by now, its pouring and windy and miserable. at least i have an umbrella, justin has nothing, and we take a bus, until the hotel de ville where we find a cafe and have some dinner. then catch the subway which was right across the street, thank god. we spend some time in the bar, i think justin might have gone to bed, i'm not sure. actually, yes, he did takea nap, and i met a lot of cool people at the bar. and then we are off, we were going to go to the eiffel tower so justin and two people i met at the bar could see it, but simon in his high state stops to get food and the other two people walk on, so after i buy bandaids for my feet, which i put on in the store and i realized i had been bleeding, but it wasn't even the foot that hurt! we just decide to go to a bar that simon wanted to show us near moulin rouge. after that we go to another pub, which was damn near empty and i start attempting to talk with this guy about the beers and then he bursts out in song. it was very strange. i didn't know what the hell was going on. we decide to go to a stip club but one was twenty to get in and another just closed so we got food instead, which justin was happy about since he doesn't like that sort of thing. now the metro closes at one and doesn't open till five thirty so we had like an hour to kill till we got back. we pass this drunkard who was bleeding and i stop and give him one of the bandaids i had bought and i think he might have asked simon for a cigarette, but we left hiim in the care of the guy who worked the food stand so i'm sure he was in good hands. and we go off in search of coffee. justin falls asleep in front of his espresso and was attempted to be awoken by the waiter, who didn't like people sleeping in his shop. so i drink my espresso, and his. and then the metro opened and we headed home. the entire way simon and i listened to my mp3 player, and with my new found energy from the double espresso i danced down the street to the hostel. we walked in at 6ish, and justin went straight to bed, but surprisingly, we weren't the only ones awake, and some other people came home then, and a guy that shared my room woke up for the day, so we had company and chatted for a bit till i passed out.
and the next morning. i still woke up before justin. i think i woke up around 10. i showered and dressed and tried my damndest to wake him up, i finally had to use the alarm on my phone against his ear. but that worked. and i went to the boulangerie to get myself a croissant and a clemintine for breakfast, like the best thing in the world...right. i'm only on the third day. and its already long as all hell and i'm tired. so to recap it was amazing. and if you want to know the rest of the story leave a comment. although i think this is way too much information for anyone to take in. including me. good night.

So Holly came to visit, which made me so happy. I laugh so much when she's around, senior year is going to be fabulous. two more days till st.patricks! and then paris. i'm so excited. i started up myspace. its so much better then facebook, but i have no idea how to make my profile pretty. huh. i have a feeling i'm going to waste so much time on that. i have no motivation to write my papers. i have two due as soon as i get back from break, so i want to get at least one done before i leave. gah. i have like 12-15 pages to write. oh man. i feel like i haven't learned anything at all. i have so much work to do and i'm so lazy. keep putting it off till the next day. always tomorrow. with everything.

Hi folks, haven't updated in awhile. gah. so much has happened since the last time i updated, which was forever ago. too much to go into, falling out of windows, breakin my back, dancin on rooftops, sugar club and kereoke, galway, aran islands, germany, holland, limerick, bray, moving to a new flat, swing dancing, crepes. ok. и так дала. and so on, in russian. i finally learned how to change my keyboard to russian, so i'm learning to touch type. feels good, barely passed my last russian exam, so i have to buckle down and get crackin, which i have been. almost done with my eeg study, cuz i've been working my butt off. having bri here was amazing. miss that douchebag. germany and kaspar was so so so nice. i love his town, its just such a relaxing atmosphere. horses in the backyard, saunas, walks in the snow. that bastard is supposed to come to dublin in april, but i haven't heard from him, so who knows. i got my back brace off on friday, thank god. for those of you who don't know, i was in a drunken state one night back in november and fell out of my friends window, which is on the second floor and hit pavement. i was not a pretty sight for a long time, looked like i had gotten in a fight with a drag queen. and i broke my back and lost a couple teeth, but that didn't stop me from going to see harry potter the next night! haha. which i never paid meghan for, and need to, if i ever see her again. so i've started to work out again, since i can and since i've been feeling lazy as of late, so working out makes me feel less fat, even though i don't think i've gained any weight, its just all mental. since i haven't been active i feel fat, but once i start doing stuff again, that feeling goes away and my confidence comes back to me, even if there is no change in my body. doesn't make much sense. but whatever, i'm a girl. its true. my back still kind of hurts, sometimes. but i'm happy. i've posted more pictures, most are on facebook but here ya go:
http://community.webshots.com/user/hucaba
lemme see, i dunno, nothing new is happening, well, besides everything. i'm in a good state of mind. and for the first time, i'm on my own. not in student housing, but my own flat, in a differnet country, so i can't rely on people from home, although i still do, emotionally/spirtually.
got a package from cory today, he sent me a cd and a movie that he made. LOVE IT. he's a sweetie, and the cd is excellent. it makes me happy.
ah! going to paris for spring break! i've only booked one way ticket so far, because i don't know when i want to come back to dublin, i think i might want to travel around ireland, so i'll probably only spend a week there? maybe? who knows. but i have to decide soon. ~muwah. hungry. i think i'm going to make some pizza pizza.